The 7 Best Ways to Sneak Booze Into Outside Lands

outside lands windmill

Festival Season is in full swing here in San Francisco, and the height of it will be reached this weekend as Outside Lands makes its way into Golden Gate Park. If you’re not familiar with Festival Season, it begins with How Weird in April, and continues every weekend until we’ve successfully filled all the Porta Potties with all the $12 funnel cake ever made. If you’re not familiar with Outside Lands, its an annual symposium on ways to keep Mexicans out of Chromeo concerts.

But if your nearly $300 ticket wasn’t covered by your trust fund or that mobile farmers market gaming startup (we need more pineapples!) you work for, you might be wondering how the hell you’re supposed to afford a shitty $9 beer.

Thankfully I’m an expert at expert smuggling booze on and into my body, so below are the best ways to get your drink on without busting your wallet.

The Beerbelly

No one will know you’re white trash under all that fat thanks to the Beerbelly.

beer belly sneak booze full disclosure

This 80 oz. insulated drinking pouch rests comfortably on that chiseled summer stomach you’ve been working so hard on, perfect for that “I work out, but I might have diabetes” look, and is held in place by a neck sling and a I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.

And as the website mentions, the Beerbelly is perfect for “the movies, the ballgame, and wine and cheese parties”. Hear that wine and cheese pantywaists? We’re bringing our own beverage to the party, and it’s going to be warm, losing carbonation, and consumed through a shirt straw.

Sneaky Shorts

If you’re wanting to hit the hooch with casual style, why not try Sneaky Shorts. These liquid holsters hold a total of 24 oz. and attach neatly to your hips, perfectly contouring to the shape of your jorts.

Barnoculars

Everyone knows Outside Lands is just an excuse to pays hundreds of dollars to get fucked up and party with friends, and oh yeah, Paul McCartney happens to be playing in the background.barnoculars flask sneak booze full disclosure

Live instrumentation at outside music festivals sounds shoddy at best, and you can pretty much forget actually seeing any of the bands. But don’t worry, you’ll be able to re-live the magic at home because everyone in front of you has decided that the internet needs more iPhone footage of concerts

Thankfully, you’ll have your Barnoculars to catch all the action. Sure, they’re not actually functional binoculars, but when was the last time anyone said the word “functional” followed by the word “binoculars” to you? With two separate 8 oz. drinking chambers, you’ll get so fucked up you’ll be seeing double-vision for twice the Outside Lands viewing experience!

Burying Your Booze

Alright look, I’m just gonna come out and say this idea seems retarded all around. But apparently it’s a thing people are doing. The idea is this: go into Golden Gate park today or tomorrow, and bury whatever contraband you have underground, so that you can unearth it this weekend at the festival.

Because you what everyone agrees on? Finding buried objects in a crowd of 65,000 people seems like it wouldn’t take hours.

Wine Rack

wine rack bra flask outside lands full disclosure

Yep, we’re back to strapping it to our body parts! The Wine Rack not only ensure you’ll have up to 25 oz. of booze on your bust, but also all the attention that comes with it (free drinks?). I’m not a particularly big fan of fake tits, but if you told me there was 25 oz. of malt liquor in those things, the sell would certainly be easier. This product scores highest on my list for names that made me giggle like a flat-chested schoolgirl, and is certainly going to be fun every time my girlfriend offers me a drink.

Sunscreen

coppertone sunscreen drinking full disclosureOkay, now we’re getting practical. If you’re like me, you get sunburnt every time you check the mail. So a festival like Outside Lands is a recipe for homemade kale chips and melanoma.

Which still sounds like a wet dream compared to the idea of being sober at a music festival. And that’s why I’ll be dumping out all my SPF 50 bottles in favor of putting vodka or something respectable like Fireball in there.

This looks natural, right?

Water Bottles

Though this takes some nominal preparation, it’s by far my favorite choice as it’s one of the least likely to be detected both in getting through security and during its actual consumption. Just staying hydrated, officer.

Check out the incredible tutorial below:

Nature Calls

So you’ve strapped contraband to every imaginable place on your body, guzzled a 6-pack’s worth of vodka, and somehow you need to commit all that liquid back to the circle of life without missing Jurassic 5’s opening set.

Thankfully there’s a variety of options that will let you let you expedite and in some cases forego the portable toilet experience altogether.

Go Girl – tired of being told you pee like a girl?

Stadium Pal – A classic. A product that’s so inconspicuous we filmed the entire demo with this guy standing behind a table. Please just fast forward to the 1:49 mark.

Poop Tube – Never have to endure the shame of sitting on a dirty toilet seat again:

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With so many awesome ways to sneak booze into Outside Lands, you’re guaranteed make this the best music festival you’ve ever blacked-out at! And if sneaking booze into the festival seems too cumbersome, there’s always other ways to have fun.

About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

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