The South Spends More Time Watching Porn Online Than Rest of the U.S.

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The proliferation of municipally funded wi-fi has led to a dramatic increase in open-field masturbation.

When it comes to the South, it turns out they may just be a little “dirtier” than we thought. According to results from Pornhub.com’s (NSFW, unless you have an iPhone and shower stalls at work, or you’re a blogger)¬†latest mid-year study (science!), Mississippi watches more porn than any other state in the U.S., followed closely behind by its Southern cohorts.

Cosmo reported¬†that¬†Mississippians logged the longest time in a single session, on average watching a total of 11 minutes, 59 seconds. I’m still not convinced this average wasn’t skewed by some guy in Biloxi who couldn’t figure out how to close a pop-under ad for a few hours. 11:59 is WAY too long to be watching porn for a single jerk session. If I’m going to spend that much time getting off, it’s going to be making love to a woman, and five of those minutes are going to be spent finding a credit card that goes through.

Just behind Mississippi’s top spot were the rest of the Southern states. Which states were those and what was the order? I have no idea, because the article I’m citing didn’t list them, nor can I find any such study on Google. But hey, it’s Cosmo, so just be glad their article wasn’t called “50 States That’ll Drive Your Union Crazy.” (Full Disclosure: I have a business relationship with Cosmo’s Australian branch.)

Comparatively, the average american reportedly spends 10 minutes and 51 seconds watching porn (still way too long – this is why China is beating us). The lowest time consuming porn came from up north, with New Hampshire, Vermont, and Rhode Island taking the lowest spots, as well as New York, letting us know how to really take advantage of that New York minute.

But the most fun results (I was going to say facts, but even I’m really feeling dubious that there’s any journalistic integrity in these sources whatsoever) came from Alabama, Kentucky, and Louisiana – who apparently have some of the highest searches for “ebony”, which obviously proves those states can’t be racist. “I’m not racist – I’ll have you know that I have many friends who masturbate regularly to colored women.”

This article took me 28 minutes to write and post. Do you know how much “me time” that could’ve added up to?

 

About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

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