12 Things You’re Doing Wrong on OKCupid

OKC logo 12 things wrong Full Dilscosure

There was a time when if you told people that you were online dating, they felt sorry for you, concerned for your safety, and convinced that meeting someone of substance wasn’t a viable option. “Can’t you just jerk off in the HORNY CALI TEENZ chat room like the rest of us? This 15 year old Paso Robles chick said she’s DEFINITELY not a 42 year old named Steve.”

It was a different time. Most Americans didn’t have internet, and those that did had modems that were some of the best dubstep producers of our time. The internet seemed like a foreign place – one that was never intimately connected with our actual day-to-day. Archival news footage shows Americans trepidation about those two worlds colliding:

I miss the days when the Hanks/Chapelle pairing was a Hollywood mainstay.

Nowadays, meeting people online is a staple of the young dating community, and OKCupid is the cool kid in the room. If you’re in your 20’s or 30’s and not on OKCupid, people look at you like something’s wrong. “She’s just probably too ugly for the internet.” You’re a pariah if you’re not putting your face and intimate details out for strangers to see. Online identity is a virtual (eh?) non-issue – literally everyone I know has a picture of themselves connected to their name somewhere on the internet, and most are easily identified with some simple boolean searches. The lines between who we are online and who we are offline are indeed becoming increasingly blurred.

But just like with face-to-face dating, there are some simple rules of etiquette – things that will help improve your dating life and things that will hurt it. These are the top 12 no-no’s we see across OKCupid:

12) Travel Pics

You backpacked through eastern Germany after college, and studied as an au-pair in Costa Rica before scuba-diving your way to Senegal where you spent the last three years building mud huts for orphans and now you’ve forgotten how to speak english. We get it. You like to travel. But one picture of you jumping midair on the Great Wall is probably enough. Everyone loves traveling, but if you’re going to date someone, that date isn’t going to take place over Skype – so show them what you do in the city in which you’re actually going to meet. If it makes you feel better you can still take malaria pills before the date.

11) Rock-climbing Pics

Saying you’re a guy on OKCupid who rock climbs is like saying you’re a guy on OKCupid. Yes, you’re in shape, and you like working out and that’s great – but can you imagine what it would look like if you took a pic of yourself doing a bicep curl? As a guy, it’s really our not-so-subtle way of saying “Hey, check out these sweet delts,” while trying not to commit offense #10.

10) Shirtless Pics

shirtless-douche OKCupid WrongBro. Brah. Bruhhh. You work out like, mad hard. Like, you put those weights up and down so much it’s like you two are in a bi-polar relationship with each other, yhrm? But like maybe, you can put your flip-phone down, and take a look into that mirror you’re in front of, and ask yourself, “Am I trying to go on a date? Or am I trying to say I’m a narcissistic toolbag who didn’t want his friend to take a more subtle pic because 1) that’s gay and 2) I don’t have any friends.” If it’s the latter, then by all means, keep truth in advertising, brah.

9) Can’t See Your Face, Can’t See Your Body, Can’t Tell Who You Are

Remember that picture of you standing in front of the Leaning Tower? Remember that picture of you diving into Havasu? Remember how none of these would be helpful in a police lineup? While it’s great to see all the things that you love to do, ultimately we want to date you. And for some anti-progressive, anti-intellectual, sex-negative cretins, it turns out that physical attraction is an important element of that.

That doesn’t mean just seeing your face, it also means seeing your body. I remember when I first signed up for OKCupid years ago (I was probably 23), and I messaged a girl with an absolutely beautiful face. Her profile said she was curvy – but that’s okay – I like curvaceous ladies! I was a little concerned that she didn’t have any full body pics, but again she had a gorgeous face and cleavage to match (she utilized the Myspace selfie angle).

When she came to my door, I was in shock. Without exaggeration, she was probably the fattest young woman I had ever personally seen, approaching, if not passing 300 lbs. While we continued to talk at my place for a couple hours, I felt like I had been lied to. Now I was having a date with someone who I didn’t want to in an effort to be courteous. During the course of that conversation I actually came to learn that she was scheduled for gastric bypass surgery. And while I commend her for addressing what she felt was an issue, it was definitely unfair for her to represent herself the way she did online.

It took a few more similar dates before I finally realized that if someone isn’t showing a full body pic, it’s probably because they don’t want to, and so I won’t engage.

girls prom wedding okcupid full disclsoure

So based off what you see, do you think I’m attractive?

The last of these offenses is the “unidentifiable” date. You have friends, you love them, and you go out drinking with them. Awesome. Don’t make that your profile pic – and if it is a pic you decide to put in your profile, you need to make it really clear which one of those is you. Almost without fail, every time I’ve seen a picture with multiple attractive girls in it and clicked, it’s turned out that the profile belongs to the least attractive girl in the picture. The old click-bait-and-switch.

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About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

Comments

  1. An entire year and NO ONE has asked you about the date who punched you in the face? I’m disappointed in the internet right now.

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