The Va J-J Visor: Because What Your Vagina Needed Was a Tiny Hat

va j-j visor full disclosure hatLadies, we all know that your genitals are the last frontier when it comes to making a personal fashion statement. Whether you’re vajazzling, working on tanlines (it’s German, so you know, NSFW), or just going for an old-fashioned anal bleaching, you want  want the world to know you have a unique voice and you’ve got something to say, and when you say it, you want to say it with your hoo-ha and flabby-habby-babby.

Thankfully, the good people over at VJJ Enterprises know that tiny hats are all the rage, which is why they invented the Va j-j Visor, a tiny hat for your stud muffin.

It works by… well that part’s not totally clear. If you take a look at their instructions (warning – digital vagina illustrations ahoy), it seems to suggest that you should take the tiny canoe and slip it into your vagina, with your labia enveloping the outside of it. But then it also notes that it’s not for for internal use. So like, maybe it doesn’t count if it’s just the tip?

Either way, my google search of the product did reveal that 1) I wasn’t the only one who was confused and 2) Walgreens sells everything.Walgreens va j-j visor full disclosure vagina vajayjay hat

So beyond staying ahead of the fashion curve, what’s the point of the Va j-j- Visor? According the their website:

The Va j-j Visor will help protect all of those tender and sensitive parts that you don’t want exposed during various methods of hair removal. Brazilian and bikini waxing, depilatories and shaving, hair coloring, tanning or spa treatments. It can also be used as a hygienic shield while trying on swimwear or intimate apparel, and during body piercings and tattooing.

First of all, no it won’t and no it can’t. Anyone who’s ever had a Brazilian or attempted any sort of grooming down there knows that you need maximum access to every nook and cranny. Any piece of plastic obstructing that is going to make for a logistical nightmare if you want things look “right”. Trust me, I know.

The instructions tell users that in order to insert the device you should “Raise one leg or squat slightly and spread the outer labia with your fingers.” They continue, “To create a more powerful seal, spread personal lubricant around the upper inside of the Va j-j Visor. Saliva can also be used in what we like to call the “lick it and stick it” method.”

Yeah, sure. That’s what’ll make the whole waxing experience that much more enjoyable.

“Sorry Thuy, I’ll just be one minute. I have to go spit on my pussy cup before I can stick it in. Why don’t you start heating the wax?”

As for being a “shield” during body piercing and tattooing, I have a hard time believing that anyone who’s going to a stranger to have them inject heavy metals into their crotch or lance their clitoral hood is going to have any issues with modesty.

“So here’s the thing: I want you to jam that steel ring through my pussy lips. But do me a favor, will you, and don’t look at them?”

As impractical as this item is, if anyone from VJJ Enterprises is reading this, please send me product samples. Because I can think of a million things I could actually use this for. Like scooping ice cream, throwing my dog’s tennis ball, or replacing the leaves I use for my rainy-day insect canoe races.

About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

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