Full Disclosure: Walking In On Him Cheating, Lesbian Hookups, A Pregnancy Scare

red question mark full dislcosure HIV ATMLAHi there. I’m a 23-year-old straight female. My boyfriend and I had been dating for over five years. I actually opted not to attend the #1 rated college for my field of study in order to go to the same college he was going to, which definitely isn’t as strong academically, so needless to say, I really loved him. During my senior year we began talking about marriage, and decided that we’d move in together once I graduated and finished up some work with my family’s business back in the Bay Area.

This summer was when we decided I’d move in with him. The day I was actually supposed to move in I had everything packed into the moving truck, and drove the four hours down south, nervous but excited about beginning this new chapter in my life. We talked on the phone two separate times during my drive, coordinating when I’d arrive, etc.

What I found when I showed up devastated me. When I walked into the house he was literally in bed with another woman. After much shock, screaming, scaring the girl out of the place, and hours of tears, I still have no idea who the woman really was. My boyfriend claimed he had gotten really drunk the night before, and that this was the first time this had happened.

He stayed at a hotel that night, and I drove home the next morning. We didn’t talk for two weeks, but now he’s been contacting me and telling me he wants me to move in again. I do love him but I feel like my entire future with him has been called into question. Is there any hope with this guy?

If you’re asking if there’s hope with an asshole guy who will not only cheat on you again, but lie about it, then yes: there is hope. But if you’re looking for a fulfilling relationship with a guy who you can trust, who won’t have you move your entire life for him just to throw it back in your face, then this guy is not for you.

I don’t buy for one second that the entire time you were living back in the Bay Area that he never once slept with anyone else, and just chose the one night he knew you were moving in the next day to break. It’s an exceptionally stupid way to cheat.

I asked myself, ‘Who is stupid enough to cheat by fucking another woman at the exact hour he knows the girlfriend he’s in an exclusive relationship with will be showing up to his house?’ And the answer’s pretty obvious: someone who wants to get caught cheating.

I think your EX-boyfriend was too much of a nutsack to break up with you the respectable way, and this was his way of forcing the situation. You mentioned that marriage was discussed, but I’m willing to bet he wasn’t fully on-board, and rather than actually wanting to move in together (you guys were in the same college town for four years and still didn’t live together?), he saw that as a way out of actually having to commit to the marriage aspect.

You’re certainly better off without this guy – and  the only possible way that this thing would work would be if you completely reevaluated how the whole thing works for you guys – meaning either you look into an open relationship, or you’re comfortable knowing that he’s going to be lying to you and going behind your back the whole time. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, you need to move on.

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I’m a lesbian in my mid-20’s living in San Francisco. Most of my friends tend to be other women, with a healthy mix of them being both straight and gay. My question is this: I’ve recently begun dating on OKCupid, because I’ve become disillusioned with the lesbian bar scene here, in particular my difficulty meeting women to hookup with. I’m decently attractive, and talking with women has never been an issue with me – but it seems like most of the women I meet are looking for something more serious. I’m not opposed to that if I meet the right person, but it seems like sex is something that they want to come much later in the relationship. For me it’s something I’d like to have from the get go to know if we’re compatible, plus I just happen to love sex.

I’ve talked with my other female friends about this, and it seems like my sex drive is way higher than theirs. The idea of going out and meeting someone on the first date and having sex with them right away isn’t that appealing to them, even if they’re attracted to them or think there could possibly be more.

Is it that insane for a woman to want to hookup so much, and what advice would you have to meet other women who would be open to something more casual, at least in the beginning?
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First off, never apologize or feel ashamed about your sexuality. Libidos – not just orientations – vary greatly amongst people, and I know plenty of women who could out-frisky many of my male friends. Sure, there are generalizations – and the experience of women (lesbian or otherwise) not seeking out casual sex as much as their male counterparts is not unique – but know that there are so many lesbian women out there who are just like you, who would love to experience a casual encounter with you – it’s just a matter of helping you find them.

My first piece of advice would be to be very open about this. Again, there is no shame in your sexual desire. List casual sex under the “What I’m looking for” portion of your OKCupid profile – and try searching out other women who are looking for the same. Don’t be afraid to bring up in casual conversation to women in bars that you’re a sexual person. Usually that’s a pretty good conversational flag – and if that’s not something these women are comfortable with, it’ll change the dynamic of the conversation very quickly.

The other option is to try social networks that will let you broadcast what you’re looking for. I would recommend signing up for FetLife and joining their casual hookups groups in the Bay Area. You can make a posting specifying that you’re looking for other women with similar interests that will be broadcast to members of the group, without any fear of judgement.

Finally – I would use your prude friends as resources. Don’t let them slut-shame you – just explain to them what you enjoy, and why it’s important that you have that sexual compatibility with women you’re with early on, and tell them: if you know of anyone you think I might be a match with, please, introduce us!

I’m sure there’s some lesbians reading this who would LOVE to meet you – so be confident in and embrace your sexuality, and carry that attitude into your conversations with other women.

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I recently had a pregnancy scare with my girlfriend (having sex while drunk isn’t new to us, for the first time I wasn’t able to pull out in time). I immediately told her, and we discussed getting Plan B the next morning.

The problem is that when that discussion actually happened, she no longer thought it was necessary to get it, since she just came off her period. I had told her I would pay for half, and eventually offered to pay for the whole thing, but she said it’d be too much of a hassle because of the time and how it makes her feel.

While it’s her body and I want to respect it, it was really upsetting. I don’t think at this point it’s still possible she’s pregnant, but the whole thing definitely made me concerned about any potential scares in the future, and I don’t know what to do with that.

James, 27, straight, San Francisco
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If you’re worried about your girlfriend getting pregnant, you should be using some form of contraception. In theory, the pull out method works. Despite what I was actually taught in my own sexual health classes in high school, there is no sperm in pre-cum. Sperm and the fluid which comprises pre-cum actually come from different places in the body – pre-cum is designed to neutralize the pH of the urethra, providing a hospitable environment for sperm while also acting as a lubricant.

That said, the pull-out method is not foolproof. If there is sperm remaining in the urethra from a previous ejaculate, there is the possibility that the pre-cum could push that sperm into the vagina during sex. The best way to flush out any residual sperm in the urethra is to urinate after ejaculation (which also helps prevent UTI’s in men).

But of course, the other way the pullout method can fail is via user error, which is why you’ve found yourself in your current situation.

If having control over your family planning is as important to you as it sounds, you really need to talk with your girlfriend. If the two of you can’t agree to use condoms, the pill, an IUD, or other means of contraception, you need to have a very explicit understanding of what will happen should the pullout method fail – are you going to get emergency contraception, and if she does get pregnant, what steps will be taken from there.

If she doesn’t want to commit to a plan going forward that you’re comfortable with, you really need to stand your ground and insist that you’re going to use condoms when the two of you are sexually active. If she’s a rational human being, she’ll be able to understand that you too want control over when you do or don’t have children.
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About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

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