Daniel Cooper Drunk Car Sex

Daniel Cooper, 24, was arrested for having non-consensual sex with a car.

Men have always had a love affair with cars, but one Welsh man recently took his affections to a new level by actually having sex with one.

Daniel Cooper, 24, has been convicted of indecent exposure after being caught on a surveillance camera stripping naked and humping a Land Rover 4×4. Apparently he had just met the car that night. Even more degrading to the Land Rover, he didn’t bother to use Turtle Wax and instead simply proceeded to spray it with a cold hose. Perhaps Cooper was just drawing inspiration from 2006’s “I Humped Your Hummer” meme.

It’s also worth noting that Cooper prefers to go be the self-proclaimed moniker “Hotcock”.

Other nicknames considered by Cooper:

The Automofeel
Maxi Cooper
Kelley Blue Balls Book
Sweet Rider
Sloppy Jalopy
The Pile-Driver
Tough Buff

The court imposed a curfew on Cooper as a result of his crime, banning the man from leaving his house weekends between 7:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m., when Land Rovers are most likely to be joyriding drunk around town.

See, I knew this is exactly what was going to happen with Obamacare. First everyone was going to be forced to get gay married, and now we’re going to have to start having sex with our cars. It’s already affecting people who don’t  live in the U.S.

Apparently it had been quite the evening for Cooper. Earlier, witnesses claim he was humping the counter at a Mediterranean restaurant before pulling his pants down and getting nasty with the shawarma shop’s floor, which is some of the unsafest sex you can have. Cooper also urinated in the streets.

He later told officers that he rarely drinks. But when he does, he makes it count.


About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.