Man Goes Crazy and Cuts Off Testicles While Crashing Wedding

wedding bride crying cuts off testicles

These days eccentric theme weddings with “Oh no they didn’t!” moments at the ceremonies are all the rage, but one Essex couple certainly takes the cake. Just prior to their wedding, a crazed man who had just cut off his own testicles burst into the church where the ceremony was to take place and began screaming and throwing chairs around. Hey, I’d be excited for an endless shrimp buffet too.

Of course, none of this was planned by the betrothed. According to the All Saints Church’s vicar, the man had used a pair of scissors to complete the task. I’m guessing this guy was just really committed to becoming internet famous.

A friend of the bride and groom, who had arrived early for the service, discovered part of the remains of the manhood inside the nave. “When I went in the church, I saw something on the floor which I could only describe as flesh, which I thought was part of his arm but that was one of his testicles.” Hey, if I had arm-sized balls I might think of downsizing too.

Being the genteel Brits they are, the police allowed the ceremony to continue despite wanting to close off the church as a crime scene.

The best part is the bride had no idea what had just taken place in the cathedral, but I’m sure the maid of honor was really insistent that she not let the train of her dress drag down the aisle.

I just want to know what they did with all the genitalia that was strewn about. I’m envisioning some sort of ceremonial tossing of the testicles from the balcony. “See dare, dats luhvlee Thomas, you’ve kawt da testacles. One dye, you tew will be meh-a-phorwically nyewtered, just layk yo mum dare did ta me.”

*WEDDING PARTY BREAKS INTO JAUNTY MUSICAL NUMBER*
“Oh da testacles, day must go, eetz ahl matri-moan-ee-ole!”

About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

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