Man Calls Fire Department After Getting Penis Stuck in Toaster

penis toast manA London man had to call emergency services to help him remove his penis after getting it trapped inside a toaster. Given that England’s known for having bland food, I give this guy credit for being inventive in the kitchen. I’ve been using the “bagel” setting all wrong.

It’s unclear when the incident of the anonymous penis toast man occurred, but it’s being made public now by the London Fire Brigade in an effort to curtail a rise in bizarre instances of people trying to put things into things they probably shouldn’t.

According to The Daily Mirror, the London Fire Brigade has dealt with over 1300 instances of people having to extricate themselves from all sorts of interesting devices since 2010. One man had to be freed from a vacuum cleaner, while over 79 people had to be freed from handcuffs.

Speaking to the Mirror, Third Officer (I have no idea what a third officer is) Dave Brown thought the rise in sex-related incidents could be attributed to shitty literature:

I don’t know whether it’s the Fifty Shades effect, but the number of incidents involving items like handcuffs seems to have gone up. I’m sure most people will be Fifty Shades of red by the time our crews arrive to free them.

Hey, watch it Officer Brown! We don’t want to inspire other Londoners to go out trying to imitate your edgy brand of humor.

Here’s a list of things people have gotten themselves stuck in  during the last three years according to the LFB, just because:

• 18 incidents involving children with their heads stuck in potties or toilet seats
• Five incidents involving people’s hands being stuck in shredders
• 79 incidents involving people being trapped in handcuffs
• Nine instances of men with rings stuck on their penises
• Four incidents where people had their hands stuck in blenders [what?]
• 17 incidents involving children with their fingers stuck in toys, including one with Lego stuck on his finger.

In the past, the LFB has been called out to:

• A man with his penis stuck in a toaster
• A man with his arm stuck in a Portaloo
• A child with its hand trapped in a sweet machine
• A child with its head trapped in an ironing board
• An adult stuck in a child’s toy car
• A child with its head stuck in a massage chair
• A child with its foot stuck in a brass vase
• Someone with a test tube stuck on their finger
• A child with a tambourine stuck on its head
• A man with a sewing machine needle stuck in his finger

From what I’ve heard from very creative friends, I’m surprised a microwaved banana and a La-Z-Boy wasn’t included on the list.

About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

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