Why Your Significant Other Is Breaking Up With You This Month

drunk-halloween-kissing-breaking-upI’ve always found November to be one of the most romantic months of the year. Something in the chill of the air that says “HURRY! Find someone to snuggle with fast before all this eggnog and gravy-laden everything destroys that summer bod and leaves me looking like the sack of potatoes I just ate (with gravy).” But for many, November is the dreaded month of breakups. When hot chocolate and fireside cuddles sound great with everyone except the person you’re actually in a relationship with.

But why?

You see, November is wedged perfectly between Halloween and the sentimental holidays – a kind of layover between a night of bad decisions and “Hi, meet my family”.

Let’s start with Halloween. I’ll be the first to admit that Halloween is just an excuse for adults to party and engage with other adults in ways that we’d normally be shunned for. What? You want me to grab your breasts that you have designed to look like literal door knockers while I’m in my Heisenberg costume? Well I AM the one who knocks…

It’s a night where every opportunity we have to ask ourselves “should I be doing this”, we say “no”, and opt for “yes”. I’m still not sure I’ve recovered from my Four Loko poisoning (redundant?) from two week ago. There’s a reason these bad decisions are made: 1) you’re drunk and 2) in many cases quite literally hiding behind a mask. The whole point is that you’re being someone you normally aren’t, and in the process absolving yourself from any guilt associated with those actions.

And with all that skin showing, all that booze flowing, and the sense that this is a night of becoming something other than who you are – specifically something demonic, boisterous, and sinful, it’s no wonder that a decent number of people probably cheat on Halloween. I wasn’t able to obtain specific numbers because ghost boners can’t be seen by the human eye.

But it stands to reason that coming into November, adulterous dirt may be more commonplace amongst couples than it was coming into October, sullying both the relationship and at least one of their consciences. And as your partner starts to dust off their ice skates, suddenly every activity that once seemed romantic feels heavy and weighted with the guilt of what you know and they don’t.

Maybe you wait things out. It was a mistake you made, and things will get better. And then you remember Thanksgiving. That holiday that’s all about family and appreciating those you have around you and suddenly you feel even worse. You’re going to be meeting their parents for the first time. YOU’RE TRAVELING TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER’S HOMETOWN TO MEET THEIR PARENTS. Oh god. You’re going to shake hands with – no, HUG the people who are welcoming you into their home, who gave life to the person you love. And you’re going to eat their turkey. With gravy.

Then again, Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away. That’s all you have to do, is make it past Thanksgiving, and then you’re in the clear with good old December – ah frak.

No matter your creed, it’s impossible to escape the fact that December is all about consumerism giving. Granted, I haven’t gotten anyone in my family a Christmas present in years, but I’m on Food Stamps.  And has that stopped me from getting the person I’ve been dating for four months a new Bath & Body Works loofa set and a date for two to Build-A-Bear? Absolutely not.

With our families we take things like love and pooping with the door open for granted, but with those we’re dating there’s a pressure that we must earn their affection during the holiday season with gifts. And when I go shopping for gifts for my romantic partners, I really do try to get something meaningful and specific to them, like a peacoat or a down comforter. Anything I can rub my scent into as a haunting reminder of what I smell like when they’re banging other dudes in the future.

So just the idea of buying a gift for someone I’m feeling romantically tenuous about is daunting. Not because of the financial expenditure, but because of the emotional one. I don’t want to shop for something that seems just perfect for you coming from me. Even the idea of giving a gift indicates a level of commitment that some couples may not have reached. Once you initiate the gift-giving phase of a relationship, there’s really no going back. (Protip: I suggest doing a Secret Santa with the person you’re dating and make sure you draw your own name. Hello, Big Mouth.)

So what do you do? Maybe there’s been infidelity in your relationship. Maybe the thought of commingling your significant other with family is overwhelming. Maybe you’re just not ready to start gift exchanging. Maybe she’s a Christian, and your parents just want you to settle down with a nice Jewish girl.

In the diabetic stupor that Halloween has left you in, you see all of this on this horizon, and you’re scared. So you decide it’s best that the two of you breakup sooner rather than later. Just then your phone rings, and it’s them. You prepare yourself for the news you’re about to deliver, but they stop you. They tell you that before you go any further, they need to tell you about something that happened Halloween night, and that they’re incredibly sorry.

Of course there’s numerous reasons for breakups, and they take place throughout the entire year. But when pressed, I have to believe a significant amount of November’s may be the result of the costume-enthused and those who don’t want to return items for store credit. Now who wants a gravy date?

About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

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