Why I Want To Eat You Out

going down on woman

To give, or not to give? That seems to be the question. There’s been a lot of hullabaloo recently about giving blowjobs on the internet, particularly after comedian Alison Stevenson wrote for Vice that she’s never giving a blowjob again, while remaining equally resolute to have her partners go down on her.

Many enthused beej-givers have written rejoinders to Alison’s article, highlighting why they love some man meat right in their pie hole. While I absolutely support someone’s choice to only engage in sexual acts they enjoy, I do think it’s worth noting that many relationships — sexual or otherwise — are about making efforts which at various points are going to put your partner before you.

Which is why I’m here to enthusiastically endorse going down on women, who just announced its candidacy for the 2016 election.

Before I even had much sense of what oral sex was (“it’s when you say naughty things into someone else’s ear,” my fellow 6th-grader assured me), I was told that going down on a girl was something very unpleasant. It was something that smelled like fish. (Chicken of the Sea is not a good nickname for your girlfriend’s lady parts. Nor is saying you prefer those lady parts “chunk light”.) And going down on a woman was the way to her heart.

I was a virgin until I was 19, so until I experienced giving cunnilingus myself, I had little information to counter my false notions of eating out a woman.

“You just use your tongue and spell out the alphabet on her clit.”

Am I allowed to hum out the melody as well? And isn’t the clit the same as the peehole?

The first time I went down on a woman, it was neither dirty nor fishy. It was an intimate experience – one that I immediately enjoyed and found in no way laborious. I was up close and personal with her genitals while still being able to look up and see her golden skin, the curvature of her breasts, and ultimately the looks of ecstasy that came with each failed attempt she made to muffle her groans. Going down on her gave me a sense of control – I could decide to withhold or give her what she wanted with the flick of my tongue. And the taste, if there was any, was more metallic than anything – like I was licking a spoon that someone had just used to stir watered-down lemon juice.  Can someone please make a box office phenomenon based off this article?

So as my sexual résumé continued to build, I found it odd that so many men spoke disparagingly about the act. What’s not to enjoy? You’re face-deep in vagina – the world’s most sought-after resource. I understand that there may not be direct physical pleasure derived from performing the act, but if you’re any good at it, there’s a heckuva lot of mental pleasure. It’s an ego boost – most women I’ve gone down on are highly complimentary, and typically, the act is a prelude to sex. Oh also, it’s making someone else feel good, which I guess is nice.

Back to the taste: rare is the vagina I encounter that actually tastes like much of anything. There is certainly a range of smells, mainly from bacteria (a former girl I was dating was convinced I had just fingered another girl after rubbing my fingers along the edge of my plug’s piercing. Also, I don’t shower.) But show me a ball sack that doesn’t smell like dead man and cheese. And make sure that ball sack is over 18 years of age.

But what’s most surprising about cunnilingus is how few women seem to enjoy it as much as the movies would have me believe (NSFW). While most women I’ve been with certainly like the sensation of a tongue down there, most agree that it’s very difficult for them to get off from that alone. Unless you’re this girl, it’s impossible to replicate the speed and pressure that hands, body thrusting, and mechanical devices provide. I had been led to believe that oral was the be-all and end-all for women in the bedroom, so it was a surprise to hear most say that they actually prefer a man to get them off with fingers.

taco eating

Me eating a taco.

Then there’s another group of women – those who actually don’t want a man to go down there at all. I’ve been with a surprising amount of women who’ve actually stopped me from going down on them. They’ve expressed that it makes them very uncomfortable, for one reason or another. They have a certain body dysmorphia concerning their vagina – they feel it’s a dirty and undesirable part of their body, and prefer not to see it themselves, let alone have a man’s face buried in it. While I understand being self-conscious about one’s body, I don’t understand insisting that someone else is not enjoying your body. Perhaps with these women it’s an issue of trust. Perhaps they don’t trust men to not reinforce their own negative perceptions of their body, and rather than risk this possibility, they’d just as soon not experience oral.

Here’s another thing. I have no problem going down on a girl when she’s on her period. This guy can says it better than I’ll ever be able to:

If you’re doing anything right, most of your focus when going down on a girl should be on her clit, using your tongue around her thighs, kissing, etc. At no point should you be encountering blood in those places. And if you do want to use your tongue to bridge the gap, there’s not even a lot of blood. It’s just like you had a long-awaited flossing session.  And maybe you like the taste of blood. And besides, you know what else doesn’t taste good? Semen. So quit your double-standard griping and eat up, pussy.

So if you’re a woman, please, enjoy your body and allow it to be celebrated. And if you’re a man, celebrate that body, brah! Otherwise, I’ll just be stuck in my never-ending pursuit to lick my own asshole.

What do you think? Do you enjoy giving/receiving cunnilingus?

PROTIP: Next time you’re going down on your lady, do at least 5 minutes – make sure she’s warmed up and definitely knows that the attention is on her. Pull back, and with confidence inform her that you’ll be right back and leave the room. Go grab some ice cubes and put them in an opaque glass. Take one of them and put it in your  mouth. When you return to the room, still offer no explanation for why you left, and don’t talk or give any indication that you have the ice cube in your mouth. Proceed going back down on her, holding the ice cube against her with your teeth. She’ll flip out from the unexpected sensation, unsure of what’s causing it. Pull back and smile, revealing the cube. You tricky devil, you! Use your hand to squeeze another cube, slowly dripping water onto her stomach and nipples. Allow yourself to drool ice-cold saliva. Use the cubes all over body. Good job.

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To hear more on the Great Blowjob Debate, listen to this week’s Full Disclosure podcast where I talk with an experienced group of ladies about the issue.

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About Eric Barry

Eric Barry is a Chicago comedian, writer, and creator of Full Disclosure, voted "Best Sex-Positive" podcast by the Chicago Reader. He holds a B.A. in Theater & Performance Studies from UC Berkeley, and his work has been featured on Huffington Post, Cosmo, SF Chronicle, and more. He is currently working on developing a pilot based off his time in the sex work industry.

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